Well, as we welcome in a new year, and I reflect on 2011, I have a lot to be thankful for, but in the back of my mind, I can't help but go to that place, that one place, where when I think of 2011, I will always remember it as the hardest time in my life, at least this far in my short 32 years on this earth...Losing a child, I can't event put into words how it feels, the emotions, the ups and downs, other than my heart is broken, my mind is scattered, my thoughts are in a million places, I am sad, I am angry, I am broken, I am a different person. Sometimes I don't know how I even get through each day.
As I think about 2012, of course I think about March 10th, which would have been his due date. I wonder if he would have looked like Jake, or maybe, just maybe, one of my children could resemble me?!?! I wonder what we would have named him. I remember Shayne at the hospital with Abby, knowing how great of a big brother he is with her, just thinking how great he would be with a little brother...I think about how excited and nervous I was to have Abby and him so close together, only 15 months apart, my nephews Isaac and Ezra are 15 months apart, and I remember the craziness my sister went through...but I was excited, because I also know how close they are now that they are older, and I was excited for that, thinking of how Abby would be as a big sister...I think of Jake, he is the most amazing dad, how he is with Shayne, and especially with Abby, I think of all the great and wonderful things he would have taught our son...I also think of all the wonderful things I know God has in store for me and for us as a family. I have an amazing job that I love. We have been fortunate enough that financially Jake has been able to stay home with Shayne and Abby. We are all healthy. We have a beautiful home, I have a brand new car that I love, and Jake has a truck that works. Oh, and we have plenty of food on the table, so we are more than blessed!
I am so thankful for Jake, without him, I couldn't get through each day. He truly made Christmas for our kids this year. Anyone who knows me knows how much I love Christmas...this year, I was so glad when it was all over and we could just take all the decorations down and just be done with it...I did enjoy seeing Abby, now that she is a bit older and more involved in everything, and how her and Shayne were able to decorate the tree, and he helped her with her gifts, and things like that, but for the most part, just going through the motions, that's how I felt. I am thankful for my family and friends who have stuck by me in this difficult time...you guys know who you are, even when you don't know what to say, just to call and ask how I'm doing...even when you know I'm just going to say "fine"...it means a lot to me.
Each day is a new day, and some days are better than others...having Shayne and Abby around it's hard not to be happy...they bring such joy to each day... Please say a prayer or two for us, Happy New Year!
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